Ask the Expert: Kristine Beese on helping grown kids without risking retirement

As economic uncertainty looms and the cost of living continues to rise, the promised great wealth transfer — when a predicted $1 to $2 trillion will pass hands from baby boomers to the next generations — is unfolding in very different ways in households across Canada.

For some, it’s in the form of a large financial gift of a down payment; for others, it’s supporting adult children and grandchildren at home for longer than expected or covering tuition or daycare costs.

On the other end of the spectrum, some retirement-age adults have found the pandemic- and post-pandemic years bumpier than expected and are struggling to financially help their kids while also keeping track of their retirement goals and life plans.

Kristine Beese is the founder and CEO of Toronto-based Untangle Money, a financial planning program that helps women find their financial footing and empower them to be more in control of their money. She shares her advice on how to manage the great wealth transfer in your own household, and when – and how – to put the financial oxygen mask on yourself before your loved ones.

What is a financial boundary and why is it important to set one?

A financial boundary comes from understanding the role money plays in your life. It’s knowing where you are today, where you want to go, and how your money will help you get there. Boundaries are the decisions you make to protect that future—recognizing that some choices might put it at risk and deciding what you will or won’t compromise on.

That doesn’t mean boundaries are fixed forever. You can always re-evaluate. But they should be grounded in the work you’ve already done to understand your life and your money. It’s about finding a balance across the short term (today to the next couple of years), the medium term (five to 20 years), and the long term (retirement).

At Untangle, we keep it simple, by delegating spending into the three main buckets outlined above. They break down into long-term goals (like retirement, which is usually the most expensive), the cost of living you’ve committed to with your decisions, and short-term “Flex Money” that covers your monthly needs and day-to-day living and any medium-term goals.

When it comes to dependents, a boundary is deciding how much you can comfortably give within the context of everything else your money needs to do. If you reach that limit, it’s time to revisit your plan. The key is that there’s no judgment here—your money should reflect your priorities, whatever they may be. The important part is understanding what each “job” is and whether it’s still working for you.

What’s the most effective way to earmark money?

I like to think of it as giving your money a job. Some jobs are basic and non-negotiable, like shelter, food, and transportation. Once those are covered, if there’s still money left, we enter what I’d call the middle-income stage. Here, money takes on a new job: Joy.

This surprises people, but research shows that if we don’t allow money to bring us joy, many of us will eventually overspend or go into debt. Joy looks different for everyone. It might be travel, hobbies, dining out, or something else entirely.

The key is to identify what truly matters to you, spend there, and worry less about the rest.

Money also has other emotional jobs—cultural, social, or family-driven expectations. But because most of us don’t have enough to cover every job fully, we’re constantly making trade-offs. That’s normal.

Sometimes, those trade-offs mean tightening up for a while. For example, when my kids were in daycare, childcare costs really squeezed us. Research shows this level of constraint isn’t sustainable forever. You can usually do it for three to five years, but beyond that, people often “revenge spend” and get into debt. The same can happen when saving for a down payment, going back to school, or working toward another big goal.

If you can attain your goal in three to five years, you’re okay. But if it takes you longer than that, you may not be able to afford your goal within your current situation.

The important part is to regularly check in: Is this balance sustainable? Are these trade-offs still the right ones for me? There’s no one right answer—just what’s right for you.

Read more: Mortgage payments: How much can you really afford each month?

Over the last few years, especially during the pandemic, multigenerational households have become more common. Many adults moved in with parents to share costs, support childcare, or care for aging parents. Now, with housing and job market challenges, many young adults are staying home longer. 

How can families balance costs of care especially as grandparents near retirement?

It helps to recognize which situation you’re in.

In one scenario, your child is building their future—through school, a co-op, or starting a business. They’re not earning much, but they’re gaining skills and experience. Helping them through this period is a wonderful gift.

In the other scenario, your adult child is working and earning income. Here, the challenge comes if they’re not contributing financially at home. Generally, it’s very easy to get used to a higher lifestyle, but very hard to adjust back. If kids aren’t asked to contribute, they might develop habits that don’t reflect the realities of adult life.

That’s where charging rent (or something equivalent) is actually a gift. It teaches them how to manage money and prepares them for the real world. If asking for rent feels uncomfortable, one option is to set that money aside and give it back later as savings. Either way, you’re helping them build the muscle of financial independence.

As a guideline, they could put 20–30% of their income toward future savings, 50% toward rent and utilities, and the remainder toward discretionary spending. Parents should routinely double-check what they’re still paying for. Cell phones, streaming accounts, or other “legacy” expenses often get overlooked. It’s not about judgment, it’s about clarity. Trust your kids to handle financial responsibility; it’s one of the most valuable skills you can pass on.

Related: Should you withdraw from your RRSP? What to know before you do

Can you share a real-life example of what boundary-setting looks like?

I worked with a client whose two adult children lived at home without contributing to rent. She didn’t have much saved for retirement, and she had also loaned money to one child. She felt responsible for the household and expected to work well past 65—when ideally, she would have been close to retirement.

We talked about what this meant for her future. She was nervous to share the financial picture with her children, but when she did, they responded with understanding and support. One child committed to repaying the loan, and both began paying rent.

They started small, then gradually increased their contributions until they covered most household expenses. This freed her to focus on retirement savings and eventually consider a part-time transition instead of delaying retirement indefinitely.

It was a great example of how openness can shift the dynamic. Sometimes, just sharing your financial pictures and numbers, helps tell the story, and helps family members see the bigger picture and step up.

In expensive housing markets like Toronto and Vancouver, it’s harder and harder to purchase a home without parental support. A 2024 report from CIBC found that the average down payment gift is $128,000 in Ontario and just over $200,000 in British Columbia. 

How should families, and particularly parents of prospective homebuyers, approach helping out with a down payment?

It starts with understanding your own financial picture. For most middle-income families, it’s very difficult to both buy a home and fully save for retirement. Often, people will need to sell their home later, and downsize or rent, just to afford retirement. That’s before factoring in giving away hundreds of thousands of dollars.

To put it into perspective: If you want $3,000 a month in retirement income, that’s $36,000 after tax—or around $45,000 before tax—per year. Over a 30-year retirement, you’d need around $1.8 million (closer to $1.1 million if invested conservatively).

Retirement can last decades, so these numbers matter. Before giving a large gift, make sure you’re not putting your own future at risk. Every financial decision has two parts: the numbers and the emotions. You don’t want to make decisions on numbers alone, but you also don’t want to decide only on emotion. Finding the balance that works for you—and setting clear financial boundaries—is key.